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Sex & the History Of Astrology and Astronomy
Long, long ago in a land far away Ugh the cave man is keeping track of the lunar phases to see if Og, his woman, has missed her period. ‘Course, neither of them has a clue that copulating like rabbits has anything to do with birthin’ babies, but they do know about 28-day lunar/menstrual cycles and missed periods. 15,000 year-old bones have been found with notches tracking the phases of the moon – must have been our friend Ugh wondering if he’s going to have another mouth to feed.
Later, about 8,000 years ago, stone-age guys started building megalithic structures. The most famous is Stonehenge (“Hanging Stones”) in southwestern England built about 5000 years ago. There is an even older henge in Armenia called Carahunge (Speaking Stones) built at least 7,500 years ago. Henges litter the countryside all over Europe. Were they religious temples or stellar observatories? Probably both, but they’re still arguing about it. 
These pre-history folks knew a lot about the movements of the sun, the moon and the planets – this knowledge came before the henge: How can you build an observatory unless you already know the correct alignments, equinoxes, solstices and the rest of that celestial stuff? They also, at different times and places, worshipped the sun, the moon, or stars. Religion and science all mixed in together. (Some still worship stars, but mostly the Brads & Angelinas of Tinsel Town. There are still plenty of sun worshippers, too; check out Miami Beach.).
The skies were used as a calendar: When certain stars appeared, it foretold cold weather – time to move to a protected valley and gather lots of extra firewood.. Other stars said, hey, it’s time to plant the rhubarb or… you better move your ass to higher ground because the flood season is at hand.
When certain stars appear, certain things happen on earth. Conclusion: Stars have enormous power – ‘must be gods. Let’s give ‘em names.
When there’s a drought, someone must have pissed off, Oolag, the rain god. I know – let’s slit Morg’s throat on our sacred henge altar and maybe Oolag will be appeased and send us rain. Yeah, that’ll work.
 The Egyptians thought that the star Sirius caused the Nile to flood. The Nile flooding is what made the land so rich and productive: no flood = no food. Egypt was the bread basket of the world thanks to Nile floods.They thought that if they didn’t see Sirius, the Nile wouldn’t flood. Oh, oh. Maybe Sirius was seriously annoyed because royal Egyptians persisted in marrying their brothers and sisters. Nah, couldn’t be. The family that stays together…
Around 4,000 years ago, Mesopotamia (now Iraq) started getting serious about astronomy (mathematics) and astrology (mythology).They were obsessive about things like regulating the calendar and predicting eclipses. Predicting eclipses was an especially good gig for centuries. If you could tell the ruthless ruler the exact day when the moon was going to cover the sun and turn day into night, you could scare the hell out of your discontented subjects or, even better, beat the crap out of your befuddled enemies on the battlefield who suddenly find themselves plunged into darkness at noon. Powerful magic.
It took another 2,000 years for astrologers to invent natal (birth date) horoscopes and house systems. Then came the Greeks and high civilization(yeah, where women were one step below Fido and man-boy love was considered the highest form of love). The Greeks refined astrology to the point that your birth date and the placement of the stars told you when to pick the grapes, when you could get married, and when to change your underwear. This form still survives in India.
Then, around 600 B.C., Pythagoras of theorem fame came along and decided that numbers and numerical relationships governed the universe. He said that numbers had meanings. For instance, one meant unity, two duality – well, you get it. It got really complicated.
 Now, another Greek guy called Zeno pops up in 450 B.C. and starts a cult called Stoicism. He decides that heavenly bodies are in fact gods! Hello, Mars, Venus, Jupiter and the rest of the celestial gang.
Zeno also believed that everything was cyclic. He thought that every single event that ever happened will be repeated exactly down to the smallest detail when the heavens went back to their original positions. Then Zeno and his Stoic disciples decided that people could be the masters of their own fates and be free of the fated and endlessly-recurring cycles. Yay! Free will, at last!
Plato got in on the act about 400 B.C. Plato dismissed science and believed that the earth sat unmoving in the very center of the universe and that all the stars and planets revolved around it. Even today, we all know guys who still think the universe revolves around them. Amazingly, Plato’s flawed astronomy theories lasted into the 17th century when they should have known better.
There were some Arabs in the 9th to 12th centuries who figured out that the earth revolved around the sun and not the other way around. But, screw reality, man. They stuck with Plato’s ideas because they liked all that symbolism and mysticism. I guess it made it easier to screw with people’s heads.
Greek slaves likely introduced astrology and astral thinking to Rome along with the entire pantheon of planetary gods like Mercury and Saturn. The Roman intellectuals went for it in a big way and so astrology became respectable. The Romans were already up to their ears in divination (like fortune telling but with lots of ritual hoopla) so it was a small jump onto the astrological bandwagon.
Astrology supposedly foretells things and events according to where the planets are aligning themselves at any particular time. Most predictions were – and still are – general rather than specific. “You will marry a rich, beautiful woman called Aphrodite on the 3rd day of the new month
and she will bear you seven sons.” No astrologer, if he values his head, would ever give such a prediction. It’d probably go more like: “I see marriage in your future and the gods will bless you with children and prosperity if you walk a virtuous path and honor the gods by renouncing drunkenness, harlots, and weed. That’ll be 3 silver Drachmas, please.” Lots of wiggle room there. Julius Caesar had nothing better to do on his summer vacation in 55 B.C., and to relieve his boredom he invaded the island of Britain which was becoming a pain in the arse by helping and harboring the Gauls (French) -- Even then, the Brits were bailing out the French. Maybe Zeno was right after all: History does repeat itself endlessly.
 The Romans soon noticed that the Druids worshipped the same gods the Romans did. Huh? The Druids in Gaul and Britain had different names for Mercury, Apollo, Mars, etc., but the planet gods were identical. How can this be?
The world was a bigger place then – no SSTs to flit around in – but astrology was known and practiced in one form or another by every ancient culture: From the Chinese to Egyptians to Celts to Mesopotamia. It seems information may not have traveled at the speed of sound but travel it did. The proliferation of all those pesky henges dating from 8,000 years ago argues strongly for traveling pitchmen.
Astronomy ( science) and astrology (mysticism) were so intertwined that the terms were used interchangeably to the point that astronomy/astrology = theology in the medieval mind.
Astrology’s big attraction then, as now, is that it could be applied to every single facet of human life. The church did not approve of “magic” (devil’s work) but was in complete accord with the idea that planets affected our lives.
Until the 18th century, it was impossible to qualify for a medical degree at most universities unless you passed the astrology exam! Doctors were trained and expected to diagnose and treat illness and disease using planetary positions!
Way back in the 900s a remarkable scholar called Isaac Judaeus wrote a book on medical astrology which not only survived but was used for hundreds of years.
 Astrology is still with us. More people know their star sign than know their blood type. Our daily horoscopes in the newspapers are mainly amusement for most of us, but there are still plenty of die-hard adherents and practitioners. There are almost as many types of Astrology than there are stars: Sun Sign, Vedic, Archetypal, Natal, Horary, and so on and so on.
When well-known astrologers are wrong – which they mostly are – the true believers tend to forget the bloopers and only remember their meager successes.
When other astrologers get it wrong, the in-crowd blame the fact that astrology is so complicated and that the guy who came up with the wrong prediction is insufficiently knowledgeable in the intricate practice of astrology. Of course, he got it wrong. He doesn’t know what he’s doing… But we do.
Then there’s the: “You must have given me the wrong time of birth and that’s why the prediction didn’t come true. It’s really your fault, not mine.”
Many astrologers are closer to gypsy fortune tellers. Most of what they say will suit just about anyone. While seated at the bar of my local watering hole, newspaper in hand, I’ve had countless people ask me to read them their daily horoscope which I gleefully do.
What’s your sign? I ask. Taurus, they say. I then proceed to read Scorpio or Aries, anything but  Taurus. “You are loving and kind but when upset or angry with your mate you have a tendency to withhold your natural warmth and kindness.” (Who the hell doesn’t?)
The most popular response from Ms.Taurus, the believer, is a version of, “Oh, that is just so true. “ When you tell Ms.Taurus, that you just read the Scorpio horoscope, she usually says, in utter disbelief, “Let me see that!” as she rips the paper from my hand.
Here’s one out of today’s local rag: “Hurry and make your move, while the odds are in your favor. Make big plans for the future and also do something really fun now.” You know, that’s pretty good advice for all of us, but darn it, I’m not an Aries so I guess it doesn’t count.
Anyhow, now that you know a little about the history of astrology, have a little fun and read OUR horoscope for your sign.
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